After last week’s post, I had many communications/conversations about body neutrality. How do we get to a place where we can be happy, or at least accepting of, what we have and how we look at this present time.
Rather than trying to fathom out the answer in your head, sometimes, it can be easier if you have some kind of road map to follow. In my recent forays into acceptance I dug out, and used, something I wrote many years ago in my book ‘Feel Fab at 50’.
The first chapter of the book dealt with the noises we have in our heads about how we just don’t shape up to our beauty ideals. In my own way, I attempted to write a way around this. A practical guide, if you like, to help us all stop our harsh inner critic and make way for a more positive, kinder inner voice. One that will love and cherish us just as we are right now. So, here is a summarised version. I hope you too can find it helpful.
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You may require a notebook in which to record your thoughts and feelings.
Step 1:
Take a good, long look at yourself in a full-length mirror. If you can manage to do this without wearing any clothes, even better.
Step 2:
Let’s get the negative stuff out of the way. Write down 10 things you don’t like about yourself.
Step 3:
Put a large X through them.
It’s not that they are unimportant more that there is no need to dwell on them, only be aware of their existence. This is a great first step to silencing your critic.
Step 4:
Write down 5 things that you like about yourself. It could be you like your blue eyes, great hair, or well-shaped feet. Be positive about it.
Step 5:
Write down a further 5 things you like about yourself. Look at your body as though you had never seen it before. Be curious. What can you discover about yourself?
Step 6:
Think about someone you think is attractive. Odds are they are not perfect and may have some quirkiness in their features which makes them unique and forms part of their charm. You also don’t have to be perfect. So what if you have a lop-sided face – it’s what makes you, you. Look at it and appreciate it. It allows you to smile and laugh and show pleasure and connect with others. How wonderful is that?
See yourself as an entire being, a whole person. I hear so many women being hard on themselves saying, “I hate my stomach” or similar remarks. We are so much more than just one offending body part. Try to appreciate all of yourself in equal measure. Touch your stomach, your thighs, or whatever you don’t like and be kind to it. Anoint it with beautiful creams or oils, take care of it like you would a child. Your body has been through many things – given birth and suckled a child maybe - so treat it with reverence and respect. Without a functioning body, our world becomes limited. Because of the power of our mind, which wants to be in control at all times, most of us see our body as a separate part of ourselves instead of a wonderful piece of our whole being.
If you receive a compliment about the way you look, accept it. No more “this old thing” or “it only cost…” Practise saying “thank you”. Nothing more, nothing less, just “thank you” until it feels a very comfortable response.
Step 7:
Create a positive affirmation about yourself using the 3 P’s:
Personal
Present Tense
Positive
For example “I am adored for my beauty and wisdom” or” My sense of fun distinguishes me from the rest”
Find something that resonates with you. Don’t use ‘sexy’ if you don’t want to feel that way. Perhaps chic and stylish would be a better fit. Did you feel more special in days gone by? What’s changed? How can you recapture it? Try a few out until you find the one that really harmonises with how you want to feel.
Practise saying it out loud to yourself in the mirror. Write it down on several pieces of card. Place them somewhere you visit at least once a day – on the fridge, bathroom mirror, in your handbag, your underwear drawer.
Step 8:
Keep noticing how you feel and write it down. Has anyone treated you differently? Has the critic gone away? Catch yourself in conversation with the critic and say “you’re wrong”. Step outside yourself and see it for what it is - a menace.
Personalise the critic by giving it a name. Mine’s called Fred and when we have our conversations, I listen to him and then say “Fred, those are your opinions, not mine. I am quite capable of making my own mind up, thank you”.
If, like me, you have a mind that rarely switches off, it can be more effective to write instead. When I am feeling particularly low, I write down all the things I think I can’t do, for instance ‘I can’t wear that dress as my legs are too fat’. I then go through the list, cross out all references to ‘I’ and change it to ‘Fred says’. When Fred says I can’t wear it because my legs are too fat, my immediate reaction is ‘I’ll show him’ and I usually do.
Step 9:
Before you go to sleep, jot down 3 nice things that have happened to you each day. Even if it’s a smile and “hello” from a relative stranger it’s worth noting down. Call it your Gratitude Page. When you have positive things on your mind before sleeping, you’ll find yourself in a more positive frame of mind in the morning. Watch how these increase over the next few weeks in both frequency and power. You’ll be amazed at how your gratitude pages keep growing. As an aside, this practise caused THE most positive change in my mood when I was going through the menopause.
Step 10:
You have now begun in earnest and taken your biggest step forward. There is no dress rehearsal in life, so it makes sense to bring out the most of who you are and how you look right now and celebrate it.
The following is a quote from a new documentary on Disney+ about the iconic dress designer Diane von Furstenberg said while perching on the edge of the bathroom sink looking at the lines on her face “I don’t understand why people don’t embrace age. Age means living… If you take all the wrinkles away, the map of your life is different. I don’t want to erase anything from my life”.
Wise words indeed.
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Here’s the thing:
Try not to see yourself as separate body parts. You are a unique and beautiful person so cherish the bits of you that you would normally loathe.
Perfection is unattainable so don’t beat yourself up about it. Do the best you can and enjoy the results
Don’t compare yourself to anyone else – there’s no point
Don’t forget that others may well be envious of you.
Don’t hide your light under a bushel
Make each day count
OWNING YOUR BEAUTY