SELF COMPASSION

I was talking to a colleague at the FIPI conference, held over the weekend, about outfit choices. It always seems so much more pressurised when you are amongst your peers – especially when you’re billed as the first speaker. All eyes are on you, sometimes at the expense of what you’re saying.

My colleague was explaining that she had an outfit all prepared but, when trying it on the night before the event, was horrified to find that it no longer fitted. It was too tight.

Luckily, I haven’t experienced this situation for a while but I was still able to empathise with her predicament and the panic that ensues. Finding a replacement at such short notice can be very, very stressful.

Returning from the conference, which I’m glad to report was very enjoyable, I found myself perusing through some of my old newsletters. The one below caught my eye because it described exactly what my colleague had been going through. It was written in June 2016, but the messages still hold true.

Here it is:

I’ve had a bit of a shock over the weekend. I probably knew subconsciously but chose to ignore the messages and now it’s payback time. The sun was shining on Saturday and it was a lovely day so I decided to forego my normal blue jeans in favour of a pair of a lighter weight summer trousers.

As my clothes have been the same size for years it was a bit of a shock when I couldn’t fasten them up. No problem, I thought – must have shrunk at the dry cleaners. That excuse only lasted as long as the time taken to try on the next pair – same result. I had been aware that on my last shopping expedition I seemed to need a size larger than usual ,but we all know that size doesn’t matter. Manufacturers have no standard sizing in the UK so it’s always a bit hit and miss – hmmm!

The excesses of my birthday celebrations combined with menopausal hormones, a recent lack of regular exercise and a high regard for my social life had obviously taken their toll.

Obviously, there were a number of options available. Some that immediately sprung to mind were:

1.    I could go on a diet or juice fast

2.   I could ignore it and just buy larger clothes

3.   I could increase my levels of exercise

4.   I could stay in bed with the covers over my head and hope it goes away

5.   I could wear lots of black – even though it’s summer

6.   I could cry – yes, I really could

7.   I could blame my age

8.   I could stop drinking alcohol

9.   I could stop socialising over meals in lovely restaurants

and so on…….

I could do all or none of the above.

When your body changes, it can be very disconcerting. You can lose your confidence as you no longer recognize yourself in the mirror. It’s more than annoying, it’s totally depressing when you just can’t fit into your favourite skirt/dress/trousers anymore. Buying clothes can be a shock, not just because the label shows a bigger size but you’re now not sure of what actually suits you. ‘Batwings’ flap, thighs wobble, bottoms droop, tummies stick out, ankles swell and so it goes on.

This is not solely confined to weight gain. It can also occur if you’ve lost a lot of weight or been suffering through illness. Any changes, however they occur, can be difficult to come to terms with if you’ve not been expecting them.

I noticed my list of options all began with the words ‘I could’. For me, that is such a positive step. In the past, I’m certain they would have started with the words ‘I SHOULD’. Using ‘could’, instead of ‘should’, means I have choice. That means I am in control. As with my wardrobe, I am choosing what feels right for me right now.

My word this year is ‘Satisfaction’. So, I asked myself:

1.   “What would be the most satisfying thing for me to do?”

2.   “What would give me the most satisfaction if I achieved it”

3.   “What would be the most satisfying for me when I’m actually doing it?”

When you have decisions to make about progressing your life – whatever the subject matter – it’s so much easier and more pleasant to take action with your values at the forefront of your mind.

It is not giving me any satisfaction to feel this uncomfortable in my body but I aim to be kind to myself when I choose how to rectify that. Compassion is something we don’t give ourselves enough of, so that’s where I’m going to start. It will give me more positive results in the long term than beating myself up about my weight gain. It’s also more likely to have a lasting impact.

My options will be based on caring for myself with beautifully prepared, nourishing food. Giving up alcohol on school nights. Increasing activities I love such as walking and yoga. Evenings out will nourish my mind rather than my belly. The results I desire will come.

What I won’t be doing is weighing myself every day, frantic that I haven’t yet reached my goal weight. I won’t be cutting out every food group that has flavour. I will not be running a daily half marathon before breakfast or joining an expensive gym. I will not be choosing to stay being miserable in rather than going out and about having fun with friends.

So, here’s the thing:

In her book, Journey To Freedom, the late and wonderful Leslie Kenton says:

“There are two secret ingredients that are so simple I mention them a hundred times in every workshop I teach. Seldom do my students take me seriously (that is until they find out for themselves). Let me give you the secret right now.

INTENTION and COMPASSION = FREEDOM

In other words, set out what you want to do but do it using your heart not your head. Be kind to yourself.”

Wise words indeed.

It seems to have taken me a long time to have finally understood the same thing. In the meantime, where are my elasticated waists - haha!

Questions for you to ponder:

1.   What are you dissatisfied with in your life right now?

2.   If someone wise and kind was able to give you advice, what do you think it would be?

3.   How can you show compassion to yourself?

4.   How will that affect the options available?

5.   What can you do to ‘satisfy’ yourself (insert your own word here) so that the journey becomes easier?

6.   How different will it be when you reach your desired outcome?

7.   How will you celebrate your success?

8.   What might you have learned along the way?

Fashion Feng Shui explains how the concept of Intentional dressing can assist you to gain your deepest desires. As the season is now Late Summer, this is the season represented by the Earth element. The season of compassion and nurturing. In other words, this is exactly the right time to look after yourself and your needs.