LOOK AT ME!!

How to be a Narcissist!

The myth of Narcissus is one of the most known Greek Myths, due to its uniqueness and moral tale; Narcissus, was the son of River God Cephisus and nymph Lyriope. He was known for his beauty and was loved by the God Apollo, due to his extraordinary physique. One day, Narcissus was once walking by a river and decided to drink some water. There, he saw his reflection in the water and was surprised by its beauty. He became entranced by the reflection of himself. However, he could not obtain the object of his desire so he died at the banks of the river from his sorrow. According to the myth, Narcissus is still admiring himself in the Underworld, looking at his reflection in the waters of the River Styx.

I remember an article in New Scientist suggesting people with everyday narcissism tended to ace job interviews and sail into leadership positions. They’re also, apparently, a hit with potential dating partners and less likely to suffer from depression or anxiety.

Here in the UK, self-deprecation is the norm. “Oh, that old thing”, we say when a compliment is given about something we are wearing or “It was nothing”, when we’ve just received a major award (or similar). Modesty, and putting others before themselves, is seen by many here to be a supportive and endearing quality. It can, in fact, be frustrating and tiring for those who are continually trying to bolster the altruistic’s confidence and ego.

Let’s be clear. This is not about a grandiose sense of importance or self obsession – both of which can lead to arrogance, manipulation and an inability to handle criticism – but more about a sense of an innate, self-belief. Narcissism, in this context, relates to confidence, charm, self-promotion, emotional resilience and an ability to pick oneself up and keep going, but not at the expense of empathy or altruistic behaviours.

So, how can you bring out your inner narcissist?

Embrace Vanity. I was always a couch potato. I loathed the gym at school and team sports were only mildly better. However, for my 40^th birthday I set myself the challenge of training to become a fitness instructor. This was so far outside of my comfort zone it could have been situated in another universe. I had no idea how I was going to manage it. I lived in stiletto heels, rarely walked anywhere and smoked a pack of cigarettes daily. To this day, it remains the hardest thing I have ever done.

That was 26 years ago. These days I’m almost an athlete (haha) regularly practising yoga, pilates, aerobics, strength training and any other exercise that looks like fun. My preference is to work in a studio complete with mirrors. This is not because I want to admire my reflection (though that’s always a bonus!) but so I can check my posture and physical alignment. Yoga purists insist it’s all about the ‘feel’ of the pose but how can I feel it if I don't know what I should look like when I’m in it? Checking myself in the mirror encourages me to make continuous improvements. Alignment is key – something I learned in my fitness instructor classes. Without it, injury can occur. As most of us (75%) are visual learners, using the mirror as a tool makes total sense to me.

Here’s the Thing: If looking in a mirror is what it takes for me to remain fit, healthy and safe, then so be it. I will never go to the gym, practice yoga or do any other fitness routine without appreciating how vanity (using the mirror) can enhance my development and growth. For me, it works, especially as I grow older and remaining injury free is even more crucial.

What REALLY helped me achieve the fitness qualification (I got top marks) was my ‘intentional’ clothing. Not for me a baggy T-shirt and shorts combo. Oh no. I searched for beautiful and unusual leotards (remember, it was a few years ago), ones that no-one else would be wearing. I always wore make up (still do) so I felt that I looked my best despite the ‘glow’ of my exertions.  

There is a very interesting concept called Enclothed Cognition. Initially an experiment by Adam and Golinsky comprising of two groups of individuals each wearing a white lab coat. The first group was told they were wearing a doctor's coat and the second group, a painter's coat. The ones believing it to be a doctors coat showed improved performance, increased mental agility, had fewer errors and greater accuracy compared to the other group. By buying into a certain type of clothing they subconsciously slipped into the identity associated with it. The physical experience, along with their symbolic meaning, affected thinking and behaviour. This can be reinforced using the symbolic nature of your own wardrobe and explains how when I dressed like someone who was good at exercise, I actually became good at it for real.

Use Positive Affirmations: Louise Hay, the veteran author and self help guru (You Can Heal Your Life) was quoted as saying: “Every thought we think is creating our future. Love is the great miracle cure so loving ourselves works miracles in our lives. The point of power is always in the present moment”.

Researchers in Ireland discovered that older people who agreed with statements such as “As I age, I get wiser”, enjoyed a slower decline in every aspect of their health. This included muscle strength, balance and walking speed when compared to those who automatically believed they would decline as a result of aging.

A Dutch study showed that older people with a positive sense of self were more likely to exercise as they were less self conscious about their bodies and their appearance in general.

If that’s not enough evidence for you, try this for size. The first woman to be tenured in psychology at Harvard, Professor Ellen Langer, recruited 47 women (aged between 27-83) who were all due to have their hair cut, coloured or both. Each participating woman had her blood pressure tested. The womens’ photos were then rated by independent observers as to how old each woman looked. After their appointment, women who felt their new ‘hair do’ made them look younger had lower blood pressure. They also appeared younger to the independent raters. However, there’s a twist. Both the before and after photographs cropped off the women’s hair! This suggests that simply thinking you look good could you make you objectively more attractive.

Accept Compliments: This has taken me so long to get used to and, even now, I find it hard to keep shtum. Here’s the thing.

A compliment is a gift given to you by someone who has taken the time and effort to do so. When you decline to accept it, as most of us do, you are essentially telling them that their ‘gift’ is worthless. I doubt we’d do this if the gift was more tangible such as flowers or chocolates.

Remember the compliments you are given. Write them down, along with any achievements, and read them when you’re feeling low. If you think you are smart, you will act like you’re smart and your attitude will rub off on others. Try to balance up the positive statements you receive against any negative criticism. The latter has probably taken charge for way too long. It's time to address the status quo.

If someone says you are looking good, smile and accept that you are. After all, why would they bother to say anything nice if they didn’t mean it? By the same token, make sure you tell others that they look nice. I often stop strangers in the street to give them a compliment. Most of them say I’ve made their day.

Harness Envy: Most of us find envy creeping in at some point in our lives. Friends/colleagues have a larger house, more money, are happier, better looking, more successful and so on and so on. Instead of letting this emotion fester inside of you, turn it into a way to motivate yourself to take action.

If your friend always looks great in her clothes, ask yourself how you can improve your current wardrobe. You could harness the advice of a professional, rip out photos in magazines that appeal to you (or use Pinterest/ Canva) to make a style collage, and compose a style statement that you want to create for yourself based on your beliefs and values. Take a look at the brilliant Julie Cobbe’s Notes on Styling for ideas.

You don’t have to imitate your friend. You are aiming to be the best dressed version of your self. One who feels good in what they wear, as well as looking good. This means finding authenticity in the outcome.

Visualise Your Success: We all know that visualisation can be a very powerful tool. Athletes imagine themselves powering over the winning tape ahead of the field. Motivational speakers/performers see themselves on stage enjoying a huge standing ovation from the audience.

What do you want to see in your life? Think about the why? What is it that is so important? What will it give you? Take some time out to see it, feel it, have it, be it. It works – honestly.

Tweak Your Non Verbal Behaviour: Amy Cuddy, a Harvard professor, has demonstrated the ‘power pose’ (a la Wonder Woman) can work wonders for your confidence as it floods your system with the powerful hormone, testosterone. It might be a few years old now but if it works, it works. Watch one of her TED talks on body language here:

Being too self-deprecating can be perceived as a lack of confidence in yourself. Others start to believe what you say and instead of seeing your modesty as something of which to be proud, they begin to questions your judgment and your ability.

This is of particular importance in the workplace. In the corporate environment, men are more likely to be narcissistic than women, because society tells women that authority is a male trait not a female one. Forget that. A healthy dose of narcissism can increase your desire to appear well groomed, lead to entitlement (you deserve to be liked and appreciated), improve your assertiveness and, as a result, the ability to land top jobs and promotion.

Thrive in Your Uniqueness: We are all different. The main difference between us and famous leaders/celebrities/politicians is that they have found their USP and use it to service others. We aren’t meant to be clones, so use the mirror to reveal your idiosyncrasies and see them as positive attributes rather than blemishes on your character. The designer Elsa Schiaperelli had numerous moles on her cheek. Her mother wanted her to have them removed. Instead, she created an expensive brooch made in their likeness as part of her Zodiac Collection. So, marvel at your reflection, relish your inner goddess and enjoy what it can bring into your life. Choose clothes that represent who you are, what you value, what you want the world to know about you and make you feel like you.

Admire Your Reflection: Instead of using the mirror to pinpoint flaws and wrinkles, why not smile at yourself instead. Try it. It can raise your spirits and boost your energy. A little wink doesn’t go amiss either! Make every day the day you shine.