BECOMING NEUTRAL

I am still embracing my word of the year - open - and noticing how it is already changing my wardrobe choices, offering new opportunities of work and enhancing friendships around the globe. The definition of ‘open’ can also mean being honest and forthright and this has got me thinking about how I can do more of this in my writing.

Communication with my Substack readers tells me they are most often concerned with one major topic. How to remain confident, and stylish, and beautiful as our bodies begin to show the ravages of time.

Writing about the notions of perfect physique a few weeks ago got me thinking again about my own appearance and my own angst around this subject.

Despite being an image professional for the last 20 plus years, I still have days when I have trouble thinking of myself as beautiful. It is never a problem for me to find the beauty in others. However negatively they might view themselves, I can always see beyond their criticism, to find the unique, incredible, work of art that they bestow.

When I look in the mirror, I don’t always see what others see. I’ve been told that I’m charismatic, gorgeous, tiny, have a ‘body to die for’, edgy, even sexy, but mostly all I can see are the batwings, wrinkled skin, liver spots and cellulite. Having had eating disorders early in my life means that I now have skin that doesn’t fit. An overcoat that is too big for my skeleton, despite the muscles gained from working out. The price I’ve paid for excessive sunbathing, smoking too many cigarettes and knocking back the alcohol in my younger days.

I’m not saying my negative critique is a daily occurrence. There are many, many days when I know I look pretty good, especially when dressed. On bad days, however, I am positive people notice my wobbly thighs and saggy arms, ultimately leading to personal discomfort and insecurity.

The eagle eyed among you, who were subscribers to my earlier blog, will remember I wrote about this once before. I didn’t really carry it through. However, have recently attended funerals, seen friends struggling with cancer, or replacing limbs that no longer function and suffering other debilitating, painful issues has made me take stock once again.

We all know people who have passed before their time and yet getting older still seems to be something we would rather avoid. Wherever we go, we are constantly bombarded with images of beauty; billboards, social media, magazines, cinema, TV etc. The message? To be beautiful - read successful - you have to look a certain way. Woe betide you if you put on weight! You only have to look at popular magazines to see what body shaming looks like. Girls as young as 20 are using Botox, fillers and even having breast augmentation. Back in my grandmother’s day this would never have happened. Saying that, my 101 year old mother-in-law, who has a fabulous figure despite her years, still worries if she puts on a couple of pounds. It seems none of us are immune.

Wouldn’t it be so much better if, instead, we could see our wrinkles as a way of saying “I’m still here”. They surely show how lucky we are to have weathered the tide. Journalist and UK mental health campaigner, Bryony Gordon, once wisely wrote ‘Who wants to live in Neverland, surrounded by Peter Pan and his crew of Lost Boys (and girls)’. Recent research has shown that freezing facial muscles may actually inhibit happiness by potentially limiting the ability to feel emotions. If muscles that are regularly used become paralysed, don’t others take over their role? Who knows? What I do know is that our crow’s feet should become a cause of celebration. Why? Because It means we smile - a lot!

It’s wonderful that we recognise diversity and champion the notion that beauty exists regardless of weight, size, age, culture, colour, gender or creed BUT how do we champion it in ourselves?

It’s easy to write about this subject but harder to put into practise. Most of us spend an inordinate amount of time studying ourselves in the mirror not liking what we see. We feel like we are never good enough, and that we’ll only be happy when we’ve lost a few pounds, gained a six-pack, erased the frown lines or coloured our hair to a more ‘youthful’ shade. Sometimes, I wonder if we have actually moved forward or is it that we have just changed the corset for other types of restrictive behaviours.

Whatever the reason, 60 plus years of negative criticism seems like enough to me. So, I am re-exploring the concept of BODY NEUTRALITY. It’s not new but, as I’m nearer to 70 than 60, and I’m seeing what is happening to the people around me, it feels like this is an appropriate time to commit to taking a positive stance about how I look. Focusing on appearance can take up a huge percentage of time and effort. A more productive way is to concentrate on what our body can DO for us. This is especially relevant when you get to my age, but equally important when you’re young and more likely to be influenced by the ‘Love Island’ inspired ‘perfect’ body. Ellie Goulding, the singer, previously posted about an obsession with exercise -  “Ah good #memories of being addicted to the gym. Not worth it […] By not worth it, I mean it was just kind of miserable.”

It might be more influential to look like one of the Kardashians, but we now have younger role models in our female athletes. Their ability to physically use their bodies is as inspirational as what they look like. The Lionesses (England womens football team) with their scraped back hair and no make up might not sound attractive when I write it down but their passion and strength are pure magic to watch. Obviously, not all of us are super athletes, but being thankful for the ability to hug, garden, knit, get up from the floor without too much help or even do the housework will suffice.

I’ll be honest. I haven’t nailed it – yet – but I’m continually working towards it every single day. No complaints, no negative statements about what I see in the mirror and trying really hard to make no comparisons with other women in the gym and yoga studio. Instead I crank up the feeling of gratitude I have for being able to physically practice yoga, walk very quickly, run, swim, lift weights, enjoy my food, carry my weekly shopping, enjoy trips away and play with my grandchildren.

This doesn’t mean to say I don’t take pride in my appearance. Of course I do. Wearing clothes that make me feel like good is part of the overall wellness process I employ daily. Feeling good in clothing provides the basic tenet of my profession. What I’m getting at here, is not to make how I look the overwhelming focus of my happiness with my life. On a practical level, it’s simply to have fewer thoughts about my body’s appearance, both positive and negative, and not let them define the way I feel. It also feels slightly narcissistic to spend so much time worrying about your body dysmorphia when, in reality, it’s likely that no-one else actually notices because, maybe, like me, they are too caught up with thoughts concerning their own appearance.

In theory, we should all love our bodies and present an upbeat attitude. Lyn Slater, Accidental Icon, says she isn’t 20 and doesn’t want to be or look like she is. She’s 70 and proud of her grey hair and wrinkles. That’s a fantastic attitude to have, and I applaud it and her, as long as we don’t judge others for the way they look or talk about themselves. Read her book How To Be Old for inspiration.

A client of mine recently said she dislikes her arms, so spends most of her time wearing long sleeved jackets. Good for her. If that makes her feel happier, then why not? I believe if someone really dislikes a part of their body, then we need to honour that. There is something almost refreshing to have permission to say what you dislike about your body, without feeling guilty or being contradicted. However well meant, when someone tells you that you are wrong about how you feel, it can come across as not valuing your opinion. Ergo it has no worth. We need to be very mindful that, for some people, this is very real indeed.

Here’s the Thing: I now realise that most of the things I did in the past to look thin - not eat enough, sunbathe, smoke - are just the things that are making me look older right now! One of my greatest regrets is not realising, or celebrating, just how beautiful I was when I was younger. Oscar Wilde said “Youth is wasted on the young” and in this context he was probably right.

I hope this topic resonates with some of you. If so, I’d love to read your thoughts and opinions, so please drop me a line.